By MICHAEL TURPIN

The scene opens with a fit, thirty-something man running down the hallway of an office building.  His white shirt is stained on right side by what appears to be orange juice. He frantically looks behind him to see if anyone is following him and knocks over a female colleague – spraying papers into the air.  He spins, tumbles, hesitates and then runs through a door marked, “ Human Resources – Compensation and Benefits”

He bursts into an inner office where a 50ish woman is on the phone – laughing.  She frowns glancing at him as he shuts the door and peers between her Levolor blinds.

Carol: (Covering the phone) What the hell are you doing, Johnson ?  Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs conducting the annual benefit enrollment meetings?

Johnson (Terrified, turning to show his stained shirt) : Are they coming?  Did you see anyone?  Those five women – you know the ones who go walking every day at lunch – one of them threw an orange at me right in the middle of my presentation.

Carol: (Swivels in her chair, turning her back on Johnson and is about to speak into the phone when she sees all her phone console lines blinking at once. Her cell phone begins to vibrate in her purse. She speaks into the phone)

Tim, let me get back to you.  Something seems to be going on here at Corporate. (she hangs up and let’s her phone start to ring. )

Cindy grab those calls will you?  (she glances at her cell and sees it is her West Coast HR representative. She holds up her hand to Johnson who is about to say something) Shhh! I have to take this cell call. (She answers the cell)

Phil, I hope this can wait.  I have a …..

( She listens intently as a barely audible voice is whispering on the other line )

Phil, I can barely hear you.  (frowning again) You’re where?  The women’s bathroom – – in a stall?  Phil, I don’t need to tell you that.  What?  Who is after you?  Well, did you call security?  What do you mean, the elevator is not working? The security guard says it’s too far to climb eight flights of stairs?

(She listens and stands up.  She looks out her front window and notices that several employees in suits are doing push ups and jumping jacks in the parking lot.  There are signs being removed from the back of a truck that read, “ Lower Your Cholesterol, Lower My Cost for Health Insurance”, “ That Donut You’re Eating Just Cost Me $50.00”, and “Cut Your Risk Factors, Not My Benefits.”

What the hell is going on?   What?  No Phil, I was not talking to you.  What happened? At your enrollment meeting? Flesh mob? Flash Mob? What did you….Vending machines?  A glasscutter?….Only the candy bars and chips? Apples?  How the hell did someone smuggle 500 apples into the office without us seeing them? Every desk? What?  ‘An apple a day, keeps your colon okay?” Who the hell wrote that?

A flustered secretary opens the door and Johnson hides under her desk with his butt sticking out of the narrow opening.  Carol looks down and barks.

“ Johnson, for God’s sake get out from underneath that desk.  Cindy, WHAT IS IT? “

Cindy (talking very quickly): Every HR representative is calling from the field.  Apparently, during the open enrollment session this morning, there was a coordinated protest over our raising premiums and decreasing benefits. Several people removed their business suits and were wearing workout clothes.  They started exercising and chanting inappropriate slogans about how this company does not care about employee healthcare.  Someone turned over all the vending machines in St Louis.  A group of CSRs in Dayton who conduct Zumba classes every day at noon have demanded that we do biometric testing on all the people working in the call center.  They seem to have somehow figured out that all of our big medical claims came from several people who have not seen the doctor in years.”

Carol looks out the window and sees an overweight security guard trying to take a sign away from a younger, much thinner man in a track-suit.  The young man is taunting the guard and running just ahead of him until the guard stops and places both hands on his knees and throws up.

Carol (talking to herself): This is getting out of hand. Ok, has anyone been hurt?

Johnson ( muffled, still under the desk ): I told you that this was a problem.  I told you.  Just look at Safeway.  They found that 66% of their diabetics were not compliant with their own treatment regimens. They cut premiums for people who engage. raising premiums for people who refuse to make lifestyle changes. Driving employee engagement.  Remember that note I brought you that someone had left next to all those cookies in the lunchroom? It was a warning from this, whatever they call themselves – wellness terrorist group.  It said, “If your LDL is over 130, don’t even think about it.” Remember, you thought it was some kind of a joke?  Well, what about the sticky note on Larry’s (the CFO’s) door: “Dear Larry, ever thought about the relationship between a lap band operation and operating income?”  Think about it, Ms. Whiffler. It all makes sense. This is a wellness rebellion!

Carol: (disgusted) Get a hold of yourself, Johnson.  This is not the Russian Revolution.  It’s a coupe of those exercise nuts we see running and walking every day.  They are trying to get us to spend a lot of time and energy on something that can’t be proven to show an adequate return on investment.  I mean have you seen the call center staff in New Hampshire? Do you really think we are going to change these people’s lifestyles and get them to stop smoking and overeating? Have you ever seen what happens when we put any free food in that lunch room?  I mean I could put dog dirt on that table and if it said ”free”, someone would eat it.

(Carol suddenly remembers the king-sized Butterfinger bar she has in her desk drawer. She sighs and thinks: what I would not give to eat that baby and take a nap. The phone rings.  Cindy looks at the console.  She glances up)

Cindy: It’s Mr. Lawson on line one (the Chief Financial Officer )

Carol: Ok, nobody panic. (looks at Johnson and hisses ) and no more talk about fitness mutinies and exercise insurrections. (Picks up the phone and composes herself) Hi, Larry.  What can I do for you?  (A loud voice penetrates the entire office out of the handset) What? Oh my. Well, yes, I….No, I did not know someone left that note on your door until a few days ago.  What?  What did this one say? (she stops and tries to suppress a smile) A manatee? Oh, yes, now I remember – the large, endangered mammals in Florida?…..No, I do not think they were threatening you by choosing to compare you to an endangered species…..Absolutely, we will fire the person on sight if we can find them. Yes, yes, ok…I will circle back to you in a few hours.  We seem to have some issues with the employees around the benefit plan cuts and premium increases.  (more yelling)

Yes, I think they understand we have a new private equity owner who expects us to improve earnings. Yes, better cutting benefits and increasing contributions than reducing the workforce.  No, I don’t think they know how thankless our jobs are. (She glances at Johnson who has now emerged from under the desk. He is rolling his eyes and sticking his finger down his throat and pretending to gag. She gives him a sharp disapproving look. ) Yes, yes, right away.

Johnson: You know he could stand to lose about 50 lbs. I bet he thinks BMI is a kind of foreign car and that a Statin is a Borough of Manhattan. He’s the one who stopped us from reducing the PPO network and implementing some of those changes that would have redirected people to lower cost, higher quality hospitals – all because his doctor was not in the narrower network.

Carol looks out the window.  Over 50 people are engaged in an impromptu Zumba class.  Three overweight security guards are seated watching them in a golf cart.  One is drinking a Coke and smoking.

Carol: Well, he is the boss.

Johnson: Yes, a boss that dropped on our heads like a 300 lb wrecking ball.

Well, boss, what are you proposing we tell everybody around the country?   We have HR reps hiding in bathrooms. The “Fitness Taliban” in control of a half a dozen offices. I can count the lawsuits now from our overweight employees claiming a hostile work environment. (Imitating Keifer Sutherland’s character Jack Bauer  in “24″ ) Well, Madam President, what is our next move? Your team is awaiting further instructions.

( Silence. Johnson continues) You know, if we had just dug in our trainers around biometric testing, penalties for smoking, incentives for wellness and compliance based rewards to make sure people adhere to their chronic illness medications, we could have prevented this mutiny.

Carol: (Irritated) Quit using that word.  Who the hell is going to do all this testing and keeping track? You?  Me? We just fired four HR reps. We have cut our budget and we now have the lowest ratio of HR/Benefits staff to employees in our industry.  The sad truth is, Johnson, it’s easier to pay the increased costs and then pass them on to all employees then try to get them to change.  We are in the business of selling HR and payroll administration systems, not the business of trying to get someone’s spouse from eating Oreos.

Johnson: Well, I’m telling you that our costs have increased 50% in the last three years and we have passed on 80% of those increases to our people.  Wages have increased by about 12% in that same period.  My guess is most people’s take home pay has been consumed by our new high deductible plans, increased cost sharing and new drug plan formulary.  They are pissed off.

Carol: So, what do you propose, Mr Bleeding Heart?

Johnson: Actually, my heart is in great shape. Cholesterol? 145.  Triglycerides? 110. Fasting glucose ? Less than 80. I run three days a week and I have given up dairy. Cherie (his girlfriend ) has just turned vegan.

Carol: ( Rolling her eyes) You sound like one of those P90X terrorists.

Johnson: Well, if the shoe doesn’t fit, then you can’t wear it. Look, I say, we immediately circle back to all employees and tell them that we have heard them.  We can easily launch a voluntary biometric plan for our renewal and offer to hold premiums flat for those who participate.  For those who choose to not get tested, they will pay the increased cost of coverage.

We can get our insurer to pay for the testing and use the penalties to offset the partial costs of the increase.  We then meet with Larry and Ron (the CEO) and show them a five-year pro forma of our current medical trends and the impact of us reducing medical trends by 3% each year. Those guys understand profits.  Every dollar saved times a 10X multiple is money in their pocket when we go public.

We pay over $ 15mm in claims.  The savings of a lower compounded medical trend, reduced catastrophic claims, improved productivity and morale will more than make up for the “hassle factor.” Quite frankly, those that consider healthy living an imposition are probably the same ones back at their desks today eating Krispy Kremes while the healthy employees are protesting. If we can just find people who are sick and don’t know it and stabilize those that are chronically ill by reducing financial, physical or mental barriers to care, we would be a great shape. (He smiles) No pun intended.

Think about how we nickel and dime our people on travel and other administrative costs, yet we completely ignore these rising costs because we find it easier and less “disruptive” just pass to them on to the employees.  Well, guess what?  They are telling us, enough is enough.  We have to do something different and be more responsible.  You cannot engage employees if your management is not engaged.

Carol: (looking out the window.  One of the security guards has joined the Zumba class while the other two have left the parking lot on foot leaving the golf cart behind) Okay, call all the reps and let’s have an emergency follow-up meeting this afternoon.  Dust off that proposal from the insurer and our broker and let’s put some numbers around it.

Johnson smiles approvingly and leaves her office.  She shuts the door and falls back into her chair.  A button pops off her blouse and she shakes her head, feeling sorry for herself.  She remembers the Butterfinger and opens the drawer.  She glances at it and then picks it up.  She stands and goes to the window. She tears open the wrapper.

She turns and decisively walks out to her secretary’s desk.  She drops the candy bar in the waste can.

Cindy, hold my calls. I’m going outside to do some Zumba.

Michael Turpin is frequent speaker, writer and practicing benefits consultant across a 27 year career that spanned assignments in the US and in Europe. He served as the northeast regional CEO for United Healthcare and Oxford Health from 2005-2008 and is currently Executive Vice President for Benefits for the New York based broker, USI insurance Services. He writes at Usturpin’s Blog.