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Tag: The Onion. Predictions

Headlines We Expect To See In 2017

Every year, around this time, we are inundated with healthcare industry predictions. Most of these seem to be more retrospective than forward thinking – taking what seem to be fairly obvious trends and simply saying “Finally, this year will be the year that [fill in the blank] happens!”  Well, here are my predicted headlines for 2017.

  • Healthcare Organization Wakes Up In Strange Place, Reports Massive Headache

A Healthcare Organization reportedly just woke up this morning in a stranger’s apartment, with a massive hangover. Note on pillow says, “Thanks for a great night, big spender. I haven’t had so much fun in a long time. Had to go run a few API errands, but feel free to stay as long as you’d like. Oh, it looked like you may have overdone it – aspirin in the bathroom. Love, EMR xxoo. ”

  • Healthcare Interoperability Finally A Reality

Today Epic announced that it had finally penetrated 100 percent of the healthcare market and therefore interoperability was no longer an issue. The final CIO holdout was quoted saying, “We decided that we could no longer resist the movement. We give up.”

  • Foolproof Security Strategy Unveiled: Don’t Click on $h!t

After years of investment and study, one Chief Information Security Officer seems to have found the cure to all information security problems plaguing hospitals. “After careful observation, we noticed a common pattern among our users: they click on links sent to them in email. Once we told them to stop clicking on them. As a result, we noticed our ransomware problem begin to clear up. Sure, our employees don’t get to find out if they’ve won a vacation package, or if they can help out a Nigerian princess, but we are safer.”

  • Affordable Care Act Files for Divorce, Claims Infidelity

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